Marleen – veiligheid voor je kind

Zoals ik al aangekondigd had eerder in een berichtje op de site ben ik begonnen met een paar leuke samenwerkingen. Allereerst met Marleen den Arend van hetmamaburo.nl..

veiligheid

Ik had een heel fijn gesprek met haar over haar programma en workshops waarin zij ouders wil helpen met hun kinderen in hun eigen kracht te komen laten staan. En handvatten wil aanreiken waardoor jou kindje helemaal zichzelf kan zijn en zichzelf kan ontwikkelen. Een van de belangrijkste dingen die ik meenam uit ons gesprek is dat zij het heel belangrijk vind om zorg te blijven dragen voor de ‘veiligheid’ van het kind. In de breedste zin van het woord.

Als eerste stelde ik haar de vraag:  Wie ben je en wat doe je?

veiligheidWat ik echt heel leuk vond is dat ze zei: “Nou, ik ben een heel enthousiaste en spontane, leuke vrouw”. Ze zei het met een ietwat verlegen lach. Maar ze zei het wel! En dit vond ik gelijk heel opmerkelijk aan Marleen. Want ik kan ook best zeggen over mijzelf dat ik een leuke meid ( tja ik noem mijzelf nog steeds meid..) ben, maar wel tegen mezelf. Zelfs in mezelf en niet hardop. Alleen soms dan, als mijn man zegt dat ik ‘gewoon even normaal moet doen’! Maar echt zo tegen iemand anders,dat doe ik niet. Gewoon omdat ik ergens het gevoel heb dat ik mijzelf te veel op mijn borst sla of zoiets. Eigenlijk: Wat zouden anderen niet van mij denken? Wat natuurlijk echt belachelijk is. Want als je eerlijk bent over wie jij bent en dat durft uit te spreken dan weet de ander ook gelijk wat die aan jou heeft. Ze vertelde me dat ze zelfvertrouwen heeft gekregen doordat ze veel persoonlijkheid trainingen heeft gedaan. Alleen het soms ook nog wel eng vind om het te laten zien. Het sprak mij in ieder geval heel erg aan! Verder zei ze: “En wie ik ben? Ik ben met name moeder. Dit wilde ik altijd. Ik wilde fulltime moeder zijn. Ik voel me dan ook echt gelukkig over het feit dat ik dat kan zijn. En als hobby daarnaast ben ik erg geïnteresseerd in ontwikkeling. En hier heb ik nu mijn werk van gemaakt! Het leukste vind ik het om nu echt mijn visie op opvoeden de wereld in te zetten. Het concept wat ik bezig ben uit te zetten gaat over moederschap. Maar nog meer eigenlijk over de kinderen. Mijn echte liefde ligt bij de kinderen.”

Wanneer is een kind volgens jou volledig in zijn/haar kracht? Hoe zie jij dat?

“Dit vind ik een heel leuke vraag, want meestal benader ik hem zelf andersom. Ik geef eerder voorbeelden aan van wanneer een kind niet in zijn of haar eigen kracht staat.” “En waar merk je dat aan?” “Eigenlijk zie ik het bij mijn kinderen en ook vaak bij de kinderen van anderen twee dingen. De eerste is een bepaalde onbevangenheid. Vrijheid of veiligheid.  Het is een soort onbevangenheid in het spel van het kind, hij/zij durft te experimenteren. Dit spelen of experimenteren gaat niet vanuit een bepaald angst of terughoudendheid. Dus onbevangenheid zonder ergens door gehinderd te worden. Dit kan je zien door goed naar je kind te kijken. Voor mij is het vooral te zien in de ogen. Ik zie een bepaalde sprankelijkheid, alhoewel ik het moeilijk vind om uit te leggen. Of bijv. zie ik het in hoe zij over zichzelf vertellen. Kan jou kind vertellen dat het iets goed heeft gedaan? Of dat echt vinden, zonder dat jij daar al iets over hebt gezegd? Hier zijn manieren voor, om je kind hierin de ruimte te geven en ook als het positief is bedoelt niet meteen jou idee of oordeel of compliment te geven, of op te leggen. Zodat het kind zelf eigenlijk leert vrij te zijn in wie hij of zij is. O.a. deze dingen leer ik ook aan anderen in mijn workshops.”

Hoe doe jij dat?

“Ik moet even denken aan een voorbeeld. Het gaat over mijn zoontje die voor het eerst naar de kleuterschool ging pas geleden. Hij had moeite met een nieuwe klas. In de vorige groep waren er kleine groepjes en veel aandacht voor de kinderen. En in de nieuwe groep was dat allemaal anders. Ik merkte dat het op school goed ging, maar thuis niet. Ik zag aan hem dat hij zich vermande. Dit zag ik als ik s’ochtend ons ‘ritueeltje’ deed met zoveel kusjes en zoveel knuffels en dan bij de deur even zwaaien. Ik zag dan dat hij zich omdraaide en zijn gezicht ‘verstrakte’. Thuis vroeg hij veel meer negatieve aandacht dan voorheen en hij ging vaak confrontaties aan met mij of mijn man. Ik denk dat het goed is om alert te zijn op dit soort signalen. Je kan het natuurlijk niet voorkomen, maar wel dingen leren herkennen. Uiteindelijk heb ik hem even meegenomen naar de supermarkt en ben ik een gesprekje met hem in de auto hierover aangegaan. Natuurlijk op zijn niveau. Eerst heb ik zijn gedrag benoemd. En gevraagd: “Heb je een idee waar je zo boos en verdrietig over bent?” En natuurlijk wilde ik hem niet sturen door te zeggen of het iets met school te maken had. Dus ben ik veel verschillende redenen op gaan noemen en vroeg of het daar iets mee te maken had. Toen kwam hij er zelf mee in de klas was het lastig, hij moest te veel en wilde eigenlijk het liefste buiten spelen. Ook wilde hij eigenlijk terug naar de oude juf. En dan is het vooral belangrijk om hem weer die veilige basis te bieden. En te laten merken en voelen dat hij daar altijd op terug kan vallen. Ik heb dan ook een gesprek gehad met de juf dat als hij mij tussen de middag ziet staan om de jongste op te halen en echt mee naar huis wil. Het af en toe mag. Gewoon om hem het gevoel te geven dat het ook wel eens ok is om je niet lekker te voelen en dan weer terug te kunnen naar mama. Te gelijkertijd leg ik hem natuurlijk uit dat het belangrijk is om de nieuwe kindjes te leren kennen en de juf en dat je daarvoor wel op school moet zijn. Dit werkt heel fijn. Hij voelt zich beter in de klas en dit merken we direct terug bij ons thuis!”

veiligheid

Veiligheid

“Veiligheid is zo belangrijk en essentieel voor kinderen. Ik merk dat ze elke keer op nieuw verlangen naar dat stukje veiligheid dat ouders te bieden hebben. Toen de kindjes heel klein waren was het logisch en beschermde je de kinderen in je armen als ze huilden of als het even te veel was. Maar juist als ze ouder worden hebben ze soms nog steeds die veiligheid nodig van de cocon van mama of papa. En het verschilt per kind in welke situaties en hoe vaak dit is. Maar keer op keer blijkt veiligheid verschaffen één van de belangrijkste dingen om te doen.”

“Hoe heb ik ze veiligheid geboden?”

“Ik heb echt de tijd genomen toen de jongens baby waren om te luisteren en signalen op te pikken. Om ze de veiligheid te bieden die ze nodig hadden. Als ze huilen is het een signaal. Ze willen eten, drinken, luier, zijn verveeld of overprikkeld. Ik dacht echt van te voren: Ik ga een heel gelukkige baby hebben die nooit huil! Haha, dit was natuurlijk een enorme illusie. Ik ben o.a. een boek gaan lezen: Aletha Solter. ‘De taal van huilen’ heet het. Het gaat erover hoe je positief om kan gaan met de emoties van kinderen. Hoe je jou baby daarin veiligheid kan bieden. Sussen is vaak wat we doen. We zeggen: stil maar en doen eigenlijk alles om ons kindje ‘stil’ te krijgen. Dat deed ik zelf ook! Maar na het boek gelezen te hebben, als mijn kindjes dan een ‘huiluurtje’ hadden, dan ging ik in de stand van ondersteunen. Oké en huil maar. Mama is bij je. Ik moest het ook echt tegen mezelf zeggen. Want ik was natuurlijk zelf snel gestrest en gefocust op het laten ophouden van het huilen. Als ik het heb over veiligheid, dan is toch elke keer weer The Keyword: Kijken naar signalen van je kind en daarop reageren.”

 veiligheid

Je geeft als tip op je site ook om even tijd voor jezelf te nemen om weer op te laden. Hoe doe jij dat?

“Hier heb ik mij heel lang schuldig over gevoeld. Ik ging hoogstens een uurtje in bad en dan was ik er snel weer. Maar dat werkte niet. Dus toen ging ik wel eens bij mijn moeder slapen 1 of 2 nachtjes. Als ik dan ‘terug’ kwam dan was ik helemaal weer opgeladen en kon ik echt weer een ‘goede’ moeder zijn. Nu boek ik ook wel eens een hotelletje ergens op zo’n site met aanbiedingen. Of ik ga naar de Sauna of een dagje de stad in. Ik kan enorm bijkomen van in een koffie tentje zitten, grote cappuccino voor mijn neus, m’n laptop en een tijdschrift.”

Op je site heb je een gratis e-book ‘je kind gelukkig‘. Voor wie is dit boek echt een must-read?

Voor ouders die zien dat hun kinderen niet helemaal zichzelf zijn. Dat het niet lekker loopt. Maar ze weten het even niet zo goed meer. Ouders met de vraag: Hoe pak ik dit aan?

Hoe bemerk je dat jou kinderen gelukkig zijn?

Ze moet lachen. “Ze zijn zichzelf.” We zitten op Skype en haar twee jongens komen net binnen. De jongste heeft een masker op en een gek hoedje. “Haha, zo dus. Grappig we hadden het net over veiligheid. Dit doet mijn jongste als hij zich ‘veilig’ voelt. Dan verkleed hij zich en doet gekke maskers en hoedjes op. Heerlijk als hij zichzelf ook kan zijn bijv. op een verjaardag of iets dergelijks!”

veiligheid

Hoe zie jij jezelf en je gezin over 5 jaar?

“Hele leuke vraag vond ik deze! We gaan zo kijken op een democratische school. En ik wens dat mijn kids daar dan naar school gaan. Een heel leuk concept vind ik het. En verder hoop ik dat ik dan op grootschalige wijze bijdraag aan een bewustheid onder ouders over de veiligheid en de onbevangenheid van hun kinderen bewaken. Dat de kinderen in hun kracht kunnen staan. Dat het vanzelfsprekend is voor kinderen. En misschien wonen we wel in Zuid-Spanje, wie weet!

Super tof Marleen, om je beter te leren kennen. Om door het gesprek weer meer inzichten te krijgen over hoe ik op dit moment de veiligheid van mijn kinderen waarborg. Ik besefte bijv. dat ik dit veel meer met mijn tweejarige ‘kleintje’ doe, dan bewust met de oudste. En zij mag dit ook nog wel eens nodig hebben en dan moet ik hier beter op ingaan vind ik zelf. Heerlijk om hier weer bewust van te zijn! Bedankt hiervoor!

Wat vonden jullie van dit interview, een beetje lang ja, dat wel. Maar wat vinden jullie van hoe Marleen erover denkt? En zou jij een workshop willen volgen bij haar of ken je ouders die daar iets aan kunnen hebben? Laat het me weten in de reacties!

evazwart

P.s. Wil je op de hoogte blijven van de artikelen die ik plaats? Volg me via bloglovin.nl . We hebben ook een Facebook pagina: opvoedenzonderstress.nl Ik vind het heel leuk als jullie deze pagina liken.

Opvoeden Zonder Stress

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